The Something-Ship of the, Erm, Thing
by rvr idtq
Summary: A short tale mostly written to explain why Penelope is absent and why Percy is so fond of muggle books in my fics. General insanity and absentmindedness abound. Read at your own risk.


The Something-Ship of the, Erm, Thing'

-or-

Why Percy Reads Tintin While Penelope is Non-Existent

-A Harry Potter Myth-

A/N: At some point, I decided that Percy was fond of muggle literature. This fic is subtitled "A Harry Potter Myth" because in the tradition of the ancient myths used to explain natural phenomena, this story attempts to explain this random bit of nonsense. It also offers a neat little explanation of why Penny' is never seen in my stories in relation to Percy. This story occurs at any point after "Prisoner of Azkaban," although the earlier, the better. Warning: If you are particularly fond of Penelope or are a devout Percy/Penelope shipper, you might want to turn back now.

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Once upon a time, at a table for two in the Leaky Cauldron, Penelope Clearwater's eyes were beginning to glaze over.

"You wouldn't believe how many thin-bottomed imports are being snuck into the market every day."

Her eyes gazed blearily up into the eyes of the speaker and then flicked down to the table where her fingers were twitching over her silverware.

"The current regulation just does not have the necessary amount of control"

Her hand curled around the knife, ready to strike.

"Don't you agree, Penny?" She jumped and the knife clattered to the floor.

"Damn it," she swore under her breath.

"It's all right. Here, Penny," said the red-haired man before she could reach under the table. He smiled expectantly and handed his own knife to her. "You can use it."

She grimaced and took the knife. So innocent. It would never even occur to Percy that she despised him- that she had intended to gouge out his brain with that knife. He was too caught up in his own little world.

"Is there something on your mind, Penny dear?" he asked. His smile has turned to a concerned frown. Her stomach turned. 

"Yes, Percy, there is," she said curtly, and before she could think, it all came raging out of her throat, hot and angry like vomit tumbling out of her mouth. And Percy, with his jaw dropped and his eyes wide, looked exactly like someone being vomited on.

"You never listen!" she roared. "It's always just you and your damn cauldron bottoms. You could at least talk about something interesting- a movie or a book!" She paused, gasping for air. The only person in the entire room not staring at them was old Tom the owner, but that was due to the fact that he was mostly deaf and very interested in the paper he was reading.

"I read books," muttered Percy as he avoided her eyes.

"Any that you didn't read for school or work?" He opened and closed his mouth silently as though the words would not come out. 

"B-b-but what should I read?" he asked timidly when his vocal chords began working again.

"I don't know! Read The Lord of the Rings'!" she blurted out. *

"The what?"

"'The Lord of the Rings.' It's a trilogy. Starts with The Fellowship of the Ring,' I think."

"It's a muggle book?"

"YES!" she screamed. He just couldn't take a hint

"And if I read that." He paused expectantly. "would you"

"Talk to you again?" she sneered. "Yes. Read the whole thing and then we'll talk." She stood up and walked out of the restaurant without looking back.

"He'll never make it past the prologue," she muttered to herself as she hailed the Knight Bus.

"Welcome to the Knight Bus," began the conductor, "emergency transport for the stranded witch or." He trailed off, staring at the girl.

"You alright miss?" he asked gently.

"Of course I'm alright," she cackled as she gazed up at the moon.

"You goin' to get on then?" he asked as his usual tone began to poke through the cautious one he had adopted when he had seen the girl muttering at the bus pulled up.

"No cauldrons!" she shrieked as she grabbed the conductor by the collar and shook him violently. "No more cauldrons!"

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Meanwhile, the tips of Percy's ears had begun to tinge pink when Penelope had started to yell in the first place, and now, as the eyes of every patron of the Leaky Cauldron stared at him, it has progressed into a full-blown, brilliantly red blush. He smiled wanly at the crowd and then disappeared with a small pop. It was really a pity. He had been enjoying the veal immensely, and it was a real wrench to leave without finishing it.

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Percy squinted in the bright sunlight that was flooding the muggle street. He pulled off his glasses out of habit and performed a quick charm on them that darkened the lenses. 

He sighed deeply. He had learned the charm in the first place a year ago after Penelope had spent an entire afternoon at the park yelling at him for squinting. "It gives you wrinkles!' she had shrieked as he had tried to unpack the picnic that he had brought. He was trying more than doing because once he had stopped squinting, he found it difficult to distinguish anything smaller than a tree. The worst part of all was that he wasn't even able to enjoy the potato salad that his mum had sent along. This was another real pity as Molly Weasley makes excellent potato salad.

Percy despised wearing sunglasses, mostly because he often got confused about the time of day. At least when he was squinting he could tell which end of the day he was closest to. Once the lenses were tinted though he would panic every ten minutes when he would forget that the glasses were darkened and think he was several hours late. He reversed the spell on the lenses and returned to his preferred method of squinting. 

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He spotted a small bookshop and headed for it, trying not to stand out too much. However, when you are very tall and you hair is very red, it is very difficult to do such a thing. Of course, the fact that he was wearing a navy blue sweater with a large golden "P" knitted on it didn't help matters much.

He ducked** inside the store and was relieved to find that the store was much darker than the street so he didn't have to squint so much. 

The only problem now was finding the book, which was quite a problem as Percy had forgotten what book he was looking for at this point.

He was just about to close his eyes and choose a book at random when someone sneaked up behind him and nearly made him jump out of his skin by saying, "Excuse me, sir." He whirled around and tried to compose himself, as he was fairly sure that the Ministry would be after him if he disapperated in the middle of a muggle shop. It wasn't as though he could hide from them either. He did have to go into work on Monday.

"Yes?" he asked shakily as he looked at the girl that was addressing him. She was about his age and apparently worked at the shop. Suddenly the sweater mum had knitted seemed like a bad choice.

"Can I help you at all?" she asked politely. "I mean, are you looking for anything in particular?"

"Er, yes," said Percy, clearing his throat. His shoulders fell. "Only, I've.I've forgotten the name."

"Can you remember anything about it?"

"Three books I think.a trilogy.and something about..Something about a thing.the something-ship of the, erm thing, I think-"

"Oh, yes," said the girl. "We have that. Just got a new shipment in today. Still in the box" She ran off to the front of the store and grabbed a box from behind the counter. 

"This it?" she asked as she handed him a green book with the words "The Fellowship of the Ring" printed across the top in large letters.

"Yes." He took the book and flipped it over, looking at the back.

"Do you want the other two also?" she asked as she fished out two more books and held them for him to see.

"Yes." He wanted to bang his head on the wall for not thinking of anything more intelligent to say than 'yes' over and over again.

She rang up the books and he paid for them with the muggle money he had gotten from Gringotts. He bolted for the door and was halfway out when-

"You forgot your books," called the girl. She held out the paper bag with the store's name and address printed on it.

"Oh, thank you," he muttered. He turned to leave again.

"If you like those," said the girl, "come back and I'll show you some more you might like too."

"Alright." He really wanted to leave now and change out of the sweater. He felt so silly.

"I like your sweater, by the way," she said as he opened the door.

"Oh. Yes, well, my mother made it. The "P" is for my name. It's Percy, you see, andI must be off." He ducked out of the store again, and found a nice alley where he was able to disapparate home from.

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Percy read the books, and enjoyed them quite a bit. In fact, he enjoyed them so much that he completely forgot about 'Penny' and never bothered to see if she would talk to him again. He did, however, go back to the bookstore nearly every week and grew especially fond of the Tintin comic books. He thought they were far better than the "Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle" stuff Ron was always reading, even if they were a bit older.

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The girl at the bookstore, whose name turned out to be Emma, had a wonderful time helping Percy to find new books each week. Percy had a wonderful time too. Emma never yelled at him for squinting.

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In the end, everyone was happy except for Penelope who couldn't even get a date after Stan Shunpike and Ernie Prang on the Knight Bus had a great time spreading the word that she was mentally unstable. Nobody really minded as it was pretty close to the truth. In any case, the only person that had ever been fond of her was Percy, and most people agreed that that was due to temporary insanity.

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*Penelope had never actually made it through the entire thing herself, but she liked to pretend that she had as it made most people think she was really clever and well read.

**He really did have to duck. The building was very old and the door was just short enough to make him have to bend his head slightly as he went in.


End file.
